GRACE UNDER FIRE

by Stanton Kessler

A musician faces many challenges and obstacles during a performance in a public venue. Some battles are waged internally, but others are of the external variety. The ones you can't control can be the most frustrating. In my experience, the trickiest situation is what I call The Disruptor. These are the screamers, yellers, and loud compulsive talkers. A general din is manageable. It's the loud, sudden noises or the "right under your nose" audible conversation that disturbs. I can never understand why folks who want to talk sit in the front row.

Much has been made of this menace over the years and many a musician has fallen prey to their own impatience and lack of skill in dealing with this ever-growing phenomenon. I have learned the hard way how not to make a bad situation worse, but I confess that I do not always have the fortitude to follow my own advice. It requires grace under fire, a virtue that I all too often find lacking in myself and many of my contemporaries. Nevertheless, I would like to put forth a guide for the musician and the listener who may find their space encroached by such people.

It is helpful to categorize the types of offenders so as to not waste energy on the innocent or apply the wrong technique. First, there are the oblivious, people who are totally unaware of their surroundings or don't realize that their behavior is obtrusive. They are not bad people and in a different context, they might actually be your friend, someone you could invite to a NASCAR event or a chicken fight. Generally they can be reasoned with and when enlightened, will usually mend their ways. The second type is the most dangerous. They really don't care and will invariably bristle with indignation at the slightest hint that they are creating havoc for everyone else. They act as if they think they are in a beer commercial. Their credo is that louder is funnier, smarter, sexier. It's not-it's just louder. They cannot heed any form of reason because attention is what they are after.

Case in point: I once asked a group, in between tunes, to please (hands in praying position) avoid screaming. Bad idea! They promptly complained to the manager, who proceeded to comp their meal and admonish me. Here's one that defies belief. When asked by THE MANAGEMENT to tone it down, a woman replied," But we're from Mission Hills and we're dressed really nice. Why are you telling us to quiet down?" You can't make this stuff up. Dealing with this type requires finesse and subtlety, qualities that most musicians severely lack.

I have discovered many techniques to remedy such situations, some better than others. These methods increase exponentially in severity. Option one is The Look. If you can maintain your composure, making simple and affectionate eye contact can often do the trick. It has a way of reminding the person that you are indeed a human being with feelings, hopes and dreams and not a plasma screen TV. If contact is impossible, switch to the person sitting next to them who IS looking at you. Alternate your gaze from them to the offender and back again. This gesture says, "Will you please tell the knuckle-head next to you to shut up?" You've got a 50/50 chance with that one.

The next level is The Glare. This look will stop a charging rhinoceros at 20 paces but does not always work on humans. A rhinoceros is aware of its environment. This method can also result in undesirable effects on the musician, such as raised blood pressure or clenched buttocks. Again, avoiding anger is key but not always possible.

Level three is the finger to the lips gesture, the international sign for "Shhhhhhhhush". I combine this with a plaintive, pleading facial expression that would warm the heart of Attila The Hun. This method only works if the person has a heart or watches PBS. The likelihood if this working is negligible.

There are two safe and sure routes to a solution. One is through management. Without exception, I have been told by managers to let them handle it. That is assuming that you are in one of the FEW establishments that will actually back you up. A musician has to know who they are dealing with. Better to check with them first about their policy, if they have one, which is rare.

The other and most satisfying avenue is through you, the customer. YOU HAVE THE POWER! There is nothing to fear, so stand up for yourself and the band. Simply turn around and tell the offender that they are interfering with your ability to hear and enjoy the music. I've seen it work. If you abhor confrontation, complain to the management. There's nothing they dislike more than an unhappy customer . Usually prompt and effective results will ensue. You must understand that ultimately, the musicians are powerless and that YOU hold all the cards. For once in your life, your voice can make an appreciable difference. You will receive the undying gratitude of a room full of strangers.