JAM: October/November 2003 Issue: From the Spit Valve

by Mike Metheny

WHAT IF JAZZ MUSICIANS DID THE NEWS?
It Might Go Something Like This...

(Heroic "jazz fanfare" composed by John Williams and performed by Maynard Ferguson's Big Bop Nouveau.)

VOICE-OVER ANNOUNCER: It's... The Jazz Me Now Hard Action McNews Hour!

with...

Jazz Me Now Hard Action McNews Anchor Piano Man:
Eubie "Duke" Studfarm

Jazz Me Now Hard Action McNews Anchor Chick Singer:
Barbie L'Primadonnadiva

Weather, with
Cumulus Rimshot

and Sports, with
Zoot Testosterone

* * *

EUBIE DUKE (serious face): Good evening. We begin with Breaking McNews!

(insert ominous minor-key fanfare performed by the Sun Ra ghost band)

BARBIE (serious face): That's right, Eubie Duke. We now go LIVE to Jazz Me Now Hard Action McNews reporter Bambi McPeopleperson for this late-breaking, ex-CLU-sive report. Bambi, you are at the scene of an apparent hostage standoff, is that right?

(cut to Bambi... serious face)

BAMBI: That's right, Barbie. We are standing in front of a local Kansas City jazz club where the band, armed with flame-throwers and shot guns, has taken the entire crowd hostage. The bandleader has issued the following statement: "As soon as these jazz-challenged wankers hold down the talking, we will continue with our tender rendition of 'Body and Soul' and no one will get hurt."

BARBIE (serious face): Thank you for that LIVE, late-breaking, ex-CLU-sive report, Bambi. I'm sure it's a tense situation.

BAMBI: Yes it is, Barbie. And thank you for adding your gratuitous and completely unnecessary segue-comment to my LIVE, late-breaking, ex-CLU-sive report.

EUBIE DUKE (happy face): In other news...

BARBIE (serious): Five more jazz clubs...
EUBIE DUKE (serious): two more jazz radio stations...
BARBIE (serious): and one more jazz festival...
EUBIE DUKE (serious): have
BARBIE (serious): gone
EUBIE DUKE (serious): out
BARBIE (serious): of
EUBIE DUKE (serious): business.

BARBIE (happy): Like Yogi Berra once said:
EUBIE DUKE (happy): "If people don't want to show up...
BARBIE (happy): ...you can't stop 'em."
EUBIE DUKE: (guffaw)
BARBIE: (giggle)
EUBIE DUKE (serious): But I wanna tell ya...

(insert laugh track, canned applause)

EUBIE DUKE (happy): What a perfect transition for... Sports!

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weather with Cumulus Rimshot!

EUBIE DUKE (looking into wrong camera): On a serious "note"... (chortle)

BARBIE (interrupting): Hi, Cumulus.

CUMULUS (flirting): Hey, Barbie.

BARBIE (cute): Hey, Cumulus... (singing into microphone) "What's New? How Is the Weather Treating You?" (giggle)

CUMULUS (also breaking into song): "I've Got the Sun in the Morning and the Moon at Night!" Hit it! (begins frenetic solo tap dance in front of weather map...)

(insert signature rim shot, canned cheers and applause)

EUBIE DUKE (smiles, shakes head): We'll be right back with more of The Show after these important messages.

(insert commercials for Viagra, Preparation H, Summer's Eve Douche, and Dulcolax Stool Softener, plus ask-your-doctor prescription ads featuring healthy actors portraying patients with serious illnesses, and previews of the next "Blind Date," "Elimidate," "Fear Factor," "5th Wheel," "Survivor," "Cops," "Cupid," "Cheaters," "The Bachelor," "The Family," "The Restaurant," "The Osbournes," "Dog Eat Dog," "Love or Money," "Who Wants to Marry My Dad," "Big Brother," "Jerry Springer," "Jenny Jones," "Ricki Lake," "Caroline Rhea," "Montel Williams," "Maury," "Oprah," "Regis & Kelly," "Dr. Phil." and "WWE Smackdown!")

ANNOUNCER: And now, Spoooooooorts, with Zoot Testosterone!

ZOOT: (on the phone) Are you sure you're over 18?

(cut back to anchor desk)

BARBIE (serious face): Tomorrow, the Jazz Me Now Hard Action McNews Team will begin an investigative series: "'Bandleaders From Hell: The Check's In the Mail."

EUBIE DUKE (happy face): And this just in! (serious face) An accidental missile launch has started World War III! (pause... happy face) But I wanna tell ya...

(insert rim shot, laugh track and applause)

CUMULUS (mock anger): Hey, that's my rim shot!

(laughter from all)

ZOOT: (on the phone): So, what are you wearing right now?

BARBIE (rolls eyes): Oh, stop it! (begins uncontrollable giggling)

EUBIE DUKE: (smiles, shakes head) Good night, Barbie.

BARBIE (still giggling, wiping away tears): Good night, Eubie Duke...

EUBIE, BARBIE, BAMBI, CUMULUS AND ZOOT: (happy faces, laughing): ...And good night from the entire Jazz Me Now Hard (all wink) Action McNews Team!

(insert canned applause and sexy closing credits theme written by Lennie Niehaus)

* * *

Note: The preceding in no way reflects the views of the Kansas City Jazz Ambassadors but is merely a product of the twisted imagination of someone who sees Reality TV and Happy-talk Info-tainment News as contenders for the two remaining Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Kenny G and Jerry Springer are already sure things.






	Search our site:		by Mike Metheny WHAT IF JAZZ MUSICIANS DID THE NEWS? It Might Go Something Like This... (Heroic "jazz fanfare" composed by John Williams and performed by Maynard Ferguson's Big Bop Nouveau.) VOICE-OVER ANNOUNCER: It's... The Jazz Me Now Hard Action McNews Hour! with... Jazz Me Now Hard Action McNews Anchor Piano Man: Eubie "Duke" Studfarm Jazz Me Now Hard Action McNews Anchor Chick Singer: Barbie L'Primadonnadiva Weather, with Cumulus Rimshot and Sports, with Zoot Testosterone * * * EUBIE DUKE (serious face): Good evening. We begin with Breaking McNews! (insert ominous minor-key fanfare performed by the Sun Ra ghost band) BARBIE (serious face): That's right, Eubie Duke. We now go LIVE to Jazz Me Now Hard Action McNews reporter Bambi McPeopleperson for this late-breaking, ex-CLU-sive report. Bambi, you are at the scene of an apparent hostage standoff, is that right? (cut to Bambi... serious face) BAMBI: That's right, Barbie. We are standing in front of a local Kansas City jazz club where the band, armed with flame-throwers and shot guns, has taken the entire crowd hostage. The bandleader has issued the following statement: "As soon as these jazz-challenged wankers hold down the talking, we will continue with our tender rendition of 'Body and Soul' and no one will get hurt." BARBIE (serious face): Thank you for that LIVE, late-breaking, ex-CLU-sive report, Bambi. I'm sure it's a tense situation. BAMBI: Yes it is, Barbie. And thank you for adding your gratuitous and completely unnecessary segue-comment to my LIVE, late-breaking, ex-CLU-sive report. EUBIE DUKE (happy face): In other news... BARBIE (serious): Five more jazz clubs... EUBIE DUKE (serious): two more jazz radio stations... BARBIE (serious): and one more jazz festival... EUBIE DUKE (serious): have BARBIE (serious): gone EUBIE DUKE (serious): out BARBIE (serious): of EUBIE DUKE (serious): business. BARBIE (happy): Like Yogi Berra once said: EUBIE DUKE (happy): "If people don't want to show up... BARBIE (happy): ...you can't stop 'em." EUBIE DUKE: (guffaw) BARBIE: (giggle) EUBIE DUKE (serious): But I wanna tell ya... (insert laugh track, canned applause) EUBIE DUKE (happy): What a perfect transition for... Sports! ANNOUNCER: And now, Weather with Cumulus Rimshot! EUBIE DUKE (looking into wrong camera): On a serious "note"... (chortle) BARBIE (interrupting): Hi, Cumulus. CUMULUS (flirting): Hey, Barbie. BARBIE (cute): Hey, Cumulus... (singing into microphone) "What's New? How Is the Weather Treating You?" (giggle) CUMULUS (also breaking into song): "I've Got the Sun in the Morning and the Moon at Night!" Hit it! (begins frenetic solo tap dance in front of weather map...) (insert signature rim shot, canned cheers and applause) EUBIE DUKE (smiles, shakes head): We'll be right back with more of The Show after these important messages. (insert commercials for Viagra, Preparation H, Summer's Eve Douche, and Dulcolax Stool Softener, plus ask-your-doctor prescription ads featuring healthy actors portraying patients with serious illnesses, and previews of the next "Blind Date," "Elimidate," "Fear Factor," "5th Wheel," "Survivor," "Cops," "Cupid," "Cheaters," "The Bachelor," "The Family," "The Restaurant," "The Osbournes," "Dog Eat Dog," "Love or Money," "Who Wants to Marry My Dad," "Big Brother," "Jerry Springer," "Jenny Jones," "Ricki Lake," "Caroline Rhea," "Montel Williams," "Maury," "Oprah," "Regis & Kelly," "Dr. Phil." and "WWE Smackdown!") ANNOUNCER: And now, Spoooooooorts, with Zoot Testosterone! ZOOT: (on the phone) Are you sure you're over 18? (cut back to anchor desk) BARBIE (serious face): Tomorrow, the Jazz Me Now Hard Action McNews Team will begin an investigative series: "'Bandleaders From Hell: The Check's In the Mail." EUBIE DUKE (happy face): And this just in! (serious face) An accidental missile launch has started World War III! (pause... happy face) But I wanna tell ya... (insert rim shot, laugh track and applause) CUMULUS (mock anger): Hey, that's my rim shot! (laughter from all) ZOOT: (on the phone): So, what are you wearing right now? BARBIE (rolls eyes): Oh, stop it! (begins uncontrollable giggling) EUBIE DUKE: (smiles, shakes head) Good night, Barbie. BARBIE (still giggling, wiping away tears): Good night, Eubie Duke... EUBIE, BARBIE, BAMBI, CUMULUS AND ZOOT: (happy faces, laughing): ...And good night from the entire Jazz Me Now Hard (all wink) Action McNews Team! (insert canned applause and sexy closing credits theme written by Lennie Niehaus) * * * Note: The preceding in no way reflects the views of the Kansas City Jazz Ambassadors but is merely a product of the twisted imagination of someone who sees Reality TV and Happy-talk Info-tainment News as contenders for the two remaining Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Kenny G and Jerry Springer are already sure things. RETURN TO OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2003 MAIN INDEX © Kansas City Jazz Ambassadors 1996-2003. All rights reserved.