JAM: June/July 2003 Issue: From the Spit Valve

by Mike Metheny

DRIPS & DROPS

Who woulda thought she'd end up with a guy named Elvis?

I've Lost the Will to Live
According to Time magazine, singer-goddess Diana Krall has coupled with venerable rocker Elvis Costello. Arrivederci, amore; we'll always have that brief backstage hello.

Top Ten Reprise
And to better clarify that cryptic real-life recollection, here is an encore from the August/September '99 JAM:Top Ten Reasons I Decided Not To Ask Diana Krall Out After Her Set at the KC Blues & Jazz Festival

10) It would have seemed like I was two-timing my current squeeze, Madeline Albright.
9) I didn't want to get hit by the spray of soda water that would have come out of Diana's nose if I'd asked.
8) My new rug from The Hair Club wasn't going to be ready by then.
7) Emergency tummy tuck surgery could not be arranged.
6) Huge zit - no Strydex.
5) My '57 Chevy was running kinda rough that night.
4) I'm still haunted by the memory of the last girl I dated named Diana
(in 1966).
3) Singers and trumpet players are natural enemies dating back to the time Jean Baptiste Arban got slapped by Ethel Merman's great-grandmother.
2) I'd rather just sit alone in the dark listening to Diana's new CD, hugging the liner jacket, and quietly sobbing....and the Number One reason I didn't ask out Diana Krall:
1) I'm still trying to impress Jodie Foster!

Oral History
In that same issue of Time was the announcement that former White House girl-toy Monica Lewinsky had been tapped to host a "reality dating show" called "Mr. Personality." The moral to the story? If you gobble the presidential knob and get caught doing so, you will a) add to a culture of faux celebrity that rewards behavior akin to that of a cheap bubbleheaded hooker, b) make it impossible for another musician to ever occupy the Oval Office, and c) set electoral events in motion that lead to the start of Armageddon.

Strike Three! You're Rich!
The average salary for today's major league baseball player now stands at $2.5 million -- an amount slightly larger than the annual income of a teacher. Or cop. Or fireman. Or so many other essential contributors to the social fabric. Such distorted wealth isn't generated by on-field productivity alone, of course. Say a hitter appears in 150 games and makes 500 trips to the plate; he can plan on raking in...

(Which brings to mind the true story of an excellent jazz pianist in Boston whose solo gig in a noisy hotel lobby was interrupted by the following request from a drunken sports fan: "I'll give you $20 if you'll stop playing...")

Strange Names
In recent years KC has raised the bar for coming up with strange names for events and venues. Could it be catching? "Sources say" (and just who are those sources anyway?) that a new nightclub called The Grassy Knoll is being considered for downtown Dallas... next to Dealey Plaza, and a restaurant named The Hungry 2-Headed Mutant Holstein may open soon in Middletown, PA, near the Three Mile Island nuclear power plant. Hey, who says Kansas City isn't a hotbed of leading edge innovation?