JAM: June/July 2002 Issue: From the Spit Valve

by Mike Metheny

As a Public Service From Your Friends at JAM:
JAZZ ADVISORIES FOR THE DISCERNING AFICIONADO

I don't know about you, but when I see that "R" or "NC-17" rating on a movie, I am quickly able to determine that its gritty content just might be a little too much for my delicate sensibilities.

Shouldn't the jazz world do the same? And don't those of us with access to some ink have a responsibility to advise -- with a standardized code -- those jazz buffs who would prefer to be protected from objectionable sounds?

Of course not!

But what a great premise for another edition of Spit Valve satire. (And a special tip of the cap to those anonymous donors who answered the call and rose to the occasion.)

SW6-5000	big band swing
SW-rtro	big band swing by Wynton Marsalis
SW-666	big band swing with Satanic messages
SJ	smooth jazz
SJ-b13	smooth jazz with altered dominant 7 chords
SJ-17	smooth jazz as soundtrack for porno flicks
BS-lg	Caution: contains long bass solo
TP-zz	Caution: contains long trumpet solo
ZZ-JC	Caution: tenor sax player endlessly emulates 'Trane'
DR-0	Caution: contains "Caravan" without the drum solo
ATRN-?!	...oh no, not another version of "A Train"
SOT-151	Caution: rum-drunk saxophonist plays consistently out of tune
AV-KY	Caution: contains well lubricated avant guarde jazz
JB-BB!	Caution: contains jam band attempting to "cover" jazz tune like "Blue Bossa" during live set
JB-50+	Caution: contains pathetic attempt by over-50 jazzman to pander to jam band audience
CON-kg	Contains One Note held indefinitely for no other reason than to enter the Guinness Book of World Records
PMS-12	Contains low-down, dark and dirty blues from a crabby chick singer
CW-epd	Contains blues (in E) about pickup trucks and dogs
X-STD	Contains romantic ballads for late night mating rituals after picking up a stranger in a bar.
KC-$5?!	Any live jazz performance in Kansas City where people get pissed about having to pay a minimal cover charge
And finally...
TRISSPIASTIY CORAIYPHSYW LTTDTMOLT AITLOCRWMJ SANTOYTSFB ATCATBI	This recording is so stunningly performed, inspiring and sublime that if you're capable of really appreciating it, you probably have spent your whole life trying to discover the meaning of life through art, ignored the lure of corporate riches, worked menial jobs so as not to obscure your true search for beauty, and, therefore, can't afford to buy it.